Last night, we had a vacuum cleaner salesman show up at our door. I am going to give everyone a crash course in selling!
1 - DO NOT hand me a roll of cheap paper towels and tell me you only need 6 minutes of my time to show me how much cleaner my house can become.
2 - DO listen when I tell you that I am not interested and I only came to the door in the first place because you wouldn't stop pounding on it.
3 - DO NOT tell me to hold on to the towels (which you say are mine if I listen to your spiel) while you run and get your vacuum. If I said I didn't want to see it, that means I really don't. Please consider yourself blessed that you didn't get in and that I am still wishing you good luck with your sales.
4 - DO NOT barge back in with the vacuum in a box and plead with me to let you show me your vacuum since you "get paid even if you don't sell it". I am pretty sure that I was clear when I said I didn't want you showing me the stupid vacuum and that it would be a waste of time.
5 - DO NOT ask me what type of vacuum I have and then criticize it. When you do that, you are telling me that you do not trust me to make good choices - SO WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
6 - At this point, why don't you just go on with your 6 minutes and consider it a sign that THE GAMES HAVE BEGUN.
7 - Please feel free to ask me the following question "When you vacuum, do you want to vacuum ALL of the dirt up, or just some of it?" And of course, expect the answer to be "I only want to vacuum up some of it; this is a farm and I think that a little dirt just adds to the ambiance, don't you?"
8 - DO NOT come up with a what-you-think-is-cute-but-is-actually-very-derogatory nickname like "Momma". I didn't give birth to you; you should consider yourself lucky that you aren't one of my kids because I would've jacked you up and kicked your tail.
9 - Since we are on a nickname basis, I do not feel bad to let you know once again that I AM NOT BUYING THAT VACUUM YOU KEEP UNBOXING.
10 - Go ahead and plug in that vacuum and make us all try to push it around so we can see just 'how easy it is". Make sure that you do the upstairs and downstairs and the stairs while you're at it. Then I won't need to vacuum for another year or so.
11 - DO NOT show me that nasty filter that contains cat hair and farm dirt. It's in your vacuum now - the same one that is going to leave with you when you leave WHICH IS VERY SOON.
12 - Please take the hint that since no one is paying attention to you except the 4 and 5 year old, that you are NOT selling that vacuum here.
13 - DO NOT try to lay on a guilt trip by telling me you've never reboxed a vacuum after you've shown it to someone. I feel it is my duty to help you learn to rebox that thing.
14 - It doesn't make me feel bad that you have to call your accomplice - I mean, your boss - to come back and get you. Did you think you were going to live here?
15 - That bottle of water you asked for on the way out and offered to pay for, it's $2500.00. I'll trade you the vacuum for it. Hope it spills. Oh wait! You took the cheap paper towels that you told me were mine, jackwagon.
There. I love being helpful.